I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
