Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
