I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
