1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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