my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
