if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
