I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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