I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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