Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
