Got a toothbrush?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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