She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
