actually, I'm a sock model
pop tarts are not kleenex
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I believe in your delicious
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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