I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
