3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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