he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
