i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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