i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
