Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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