I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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