Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
