It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
