That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
