I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
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