guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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then he tried to convert me to islam
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
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Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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