I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
