i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The air was thick with penises
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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