my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
