He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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