you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
