lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
