I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
