I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
