Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
