I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
