6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
