You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
