When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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