Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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