god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
