My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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