I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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