puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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