Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
