so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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