So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
