No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
