Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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