How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
