fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
