I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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