no, he came in my armpit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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