i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
