My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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