We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
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every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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