Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
