it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
