Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
