It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Who died my cat blue again?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
