You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When did angry sex become our thing?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
