it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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