Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
