I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
