We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
